Sunday, February 12, 2012

How Will I Know?

Yes, I am giving a shout out to Whitney. She was asking a legitimate question: how will I know?

Last year I met a guy who seemed very cool. We liked each other a lot and even though we lived far apart we made it work. Things were going well it seemed. I was meeting a lot of his friends and getting pretty close to them, which felt good. But oddly it was not being reciprocated. We spent most of our time together at his place. It was nice and had great views of the SF Bay from the living room. He had a great dog that I miss dearly, but unfortunately I live in a place that has a no pets policy. Because of this I was always visiting him. I now know that he didn't want to come to where I live and used his dog as an excuse regularly. He was in full gear during our time together; counting the weeks and months that we had been together. I'm not that kind of girl, but I let him do his thing. We spent a great holiday season together and afterwards he decided that he wanted to go on a trip with me. I agreed and hoped that it would be fiscally responsible. I wanted Mexico and he wanted Maui. There went my hope for being financially responsible. So at around six and a half months we met each other's families. I loved his family and they reciprocated. We had great conversations about work, reading, our interests- Matt just kind of sat there. Then moved to the couch to watch sports. That was all he ever did. Sit on the couch and watch sports. All kinds. No breaks. Oh and drink beer.

We headed off to Maui during my spring break. Things seemed good through the flight and getting the rental car. We were on our way to the hotel so we stopped at the store to pick up some food and drinks. At the store (day 1) he started getting sassy with me about what I wanted to get. Really I can't pick out what I like? It had to be what he wanted. I responded by holding my position firm, what the heck was going on. Well as we moved further into the trip I began to feel that he didn't even like me anymore. He seemed distant and his attitude was making me not want to be around him. Not really what I wanted for my first vacation with a man. I definitely need a redo on this one. He didn't seem to want to be near me and went to the bar by himself multiple nights while I relaxed in the hotel room. We didn't have sex at all during the trip. Beforehand he took me shopping to buy me some clothes for the trip, which was nice except he didn't let me pick anything out for myself. I should have known that this person was extremely controlling.

Well when we returned to California it was an interesting experience. He had lost our rental car keys so we had to stay an extra day in Maui to figure out what to do. Luckily the grounds people at the resort found them and they were returned to us. This didn't solve the fact that we missed our plane. Our new tickets really altered our plans and I ended up getting home around 2 or 3 am of the day I had to begin teaching a new quarter. I headed to work exhausted. He headed to Chicago for work. On the plane flight back I realized something was not right when he asked me when I could pay him back for my portion of the trip. I was shocked. Did we need to talk about that now? I had paid for a lot of things so I told him that I would need to look at all of the costs before dolling out any money. After work I calculated out an amount that I thought was fair and deposited it in cash into his account immediately. Ladies this is where we should only use checks. Why you ask? Because you can put a stop payment on them and keep your money.

The next day while I'm in a meeting at my job I get a text from him that says he needs to talk to me about "us." After my meeting I see it and respond that I am very busy and am getting ready to teach a class that starts (literally the first day of the class for the quarter) in five minutes. Apparently that means "call me I'm available" because that's what he did. He decided that it was the perfect time to tell me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I told him that I didn't have the time at that moment and asked if we could talk later. He said no. I asked him a few questions, but didn't have time to dig deep since I was at work. Ultimately I told him if breaking up was what he wanted then I would have to succumb to his wants. Too bad I deposited cash. I could've used that for a mean day at the spa. He tried to text me afterward, but I told him that if he wanted us to be over then he would need to leave me alone.

It took some time to move forward after that. My life was different and I had gotten used to new things so I had to adjust back. I remembered how I liked to do things that I wasn't able to do when I was with him. I ended my quarter and worked into summer, but bolted quickly to Costa Rica and Belize to spend some time in the part of the world I really enjoy. That would not have happened if I was with him- a trip like that is part of what defines me. I haven't thought about him for a long time now and then all of a sudden this morning one of our mutual friends tells me via instant messaging that he's engaged. At first I was shocked. Didn't know what to think. Then I got emotional. I haven't even dated anybody seriously since this relationship. I guess I've been traveling and working on myself and my career, so I've been busy with other things that are important to me.

Wow! I'm glad I'm not with that controlling asshole, I know I can do better, but it definitely brings shit up. I didn't really need to know this new information (and since I have de-friended her- she ruined my morning. Friends just shouldn't do that to you), but maybe this is my closure. It hasn't even been one year since we broke up. In fact last year at this time we were happily planning our vacation to Maui, probably just like they are happily planning their wedding. Hmmmm, I wonder how this year's version of the story pans out. From my experience it seems he jumps ship pretty quickly. Good swimmer too. He gets out of there fast!

Whitney I figured out how you know.


  1. Wow Leesh. That sounds intense. I'm going to a workshop/retreat called Conscious Loving at the end of through month. Interested in knowing more?

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