Don't bite the hand that feeds you!

It's amazing how quickly things can happen. This one is interesting. After picking myself up from the last hit I got back on my feet and ran into someone who looked appealing. It turns out this guy is also an instructor at a college so I thought we'd have a lot in common. This situation just proves that there is no correlation between myself and this individual who seems to work in the same profession as I do.

This man I met teaches English and Business courses and our conversation was completely through email and primarily text. I was interested in finding out who he is. Typically when I meet somebody new I try to keep the conversation light. Nobody wants a deep discussion initially- or at least I don't think so. In his email he said that it was best to text him and sent me his phone number. I was apprehensive because I've had issues with giving out my number before (don't worry I'll share later). I had already done some internet research on this guy so I decided to go for it.

In the text messages (I wish I saved all of them), I asked him to tell me about himself. He said that he was born and raised locally and has spent most of his life here. I told him that my story is pretty similar and then reinitiated conversation by asking what he did for work (I already knew, but he didn't know that). He said that he teaches at a local college (I won't say which one) and I responded by telling him that I do too and that I found it interesting to meet him because that doesn't typically happen. He asked if I was adjunct faculty (part time), which I know that he is. I told him that I recently was awarded a full time tenure track position which I am excited to have received. I asked him if he liked teaching and he said that he liked working in the private sector because they get more done. Since I have worked in both the private and public sector I agreed with him and asked why he wasn't working in the private sector then. He told me that the company where he had worked doing advertising downsized because they didn't meet their 4th quarter estimated earnings and therefore he was let go.

All of sudden the textersation took a crazy turn. He told me that the academic sector was uneventful and incapable of any progression because of the administration and unions, etc. and that I was young and therefore I didn't see it yet. Excuse me? Did he just go on a rant about the system that employs him and did he just assume I was "young" because of my age (he was 41, big deal!). I responded that I don't believe myself to be "young" and that I have experience in the private, public, and academic sectors including working in male dominated industries. Are you ready for this? He responded by saying "Why are you telling me this? Are you trying to impress me? Do you think I care? Wow, I bet this guy is wondering why he doesn't get laid very often.

I told him that I just didn't think that he had enough information (just my age) about me to project assumptions that I'm ignorant as to what goes on around me in a professional sense. He continued to berate me and at one point I decided to tell him that I had to go. He texted me again multiple times and here's what went down:

Him: Why don't you try not to be so sensitive? Deal with it Instead you retreat. Me: I don't know you well enough to wish to take this any further. Him: Of course you don't. You can't even have a discussion without getting offended. I'm sure every guy you've ever dated did everything you said or agreed with you all the time. Me: Hahahahahhahahaha you're funny! Him: How very dull. Possibly accounts for your bad experiences on match. Then again maybe your male colleagues at deanza might be to your liking. That us if they happen to be straight if not married. Which is doubtful Me: Why are you trying to insult me? Him: Insult you? I'm just making a suggestion based in the info you gave me and your very defensive reaction to my questions. Me: Okay. Gotta go. Bye. Him: U see. I do listen and remember what you say and write. What planet is this dude from? Is this how men are supposed to speak to women they don't know? I thought they were supposed to sell themselves? Maybe that's why he lost his sales job. He doesn't seem to be very good at selling his most prized possession- himself. I didn't respond. Actually I'm a little afraid of the guy he seems like a freak. He actually emailed me later in the night: "Sorry you took offense at what I said, but I am a very direct person and I tend to speak my mind. And I've been both in industry and higher education for some considerable time. Aside from that, I am rather tired too from teaching this evening. So, that's my piece if you care to hear it or not. Salute" Whatev's dude. You're a nutcase and should probably be a little more appreciative of the job you have.

Man-tasy

My friend (we'll call her Taylor) and I had a great day today. Lately, since I've cancelled my online dating membership, I've been focusing more on hanging out with my girlfriends doing things that we enjoy. We decided to go for a road trip and we drove up North to go hiking in an area that we don't regularly visit. Then we hit up a nice restaurant nearby for some lunch and drinks. It was a great date. Much better than the ones I've been having with the inappropriate mans.

As you know spending time in the car, on the trail, and enjoying lunch and drinks allows for a lot of discussion, especially when women are involved. Taylor and I were discussing how the online dating thing doesn't work because there's no exchange of pheromones on the Internet or during phone calls that would allow you to know whether or not you're really attracted to the other individual. This seems to be validated by the amount of times that I have emailed and spoken to men and then been let down when I finally met them. As the discussion continued we realized that sometimes there's something beneficial about loosely knowing men, which led us to the term...mantasy.

A mantasy (we decided) is a man-fantasy that is created within you based on your very minimal association with the man who is the focus of the fantasy. This happens a lot in movies, break to montage man taking his shirt off to reveal extremely ripped abdominals, break back to reality girl doing something ridiculous making herself look silly. But we also believe that it happens frequently in true life as well. For instance I believe that it has happened a lot in my experiences with online dating. I'm admitting it. I have met guys online and then spoken to them on the phone had mantasies about who I may think they are or who I wish them to be. A lot of the mantasization is based on the little information I have about them: photos I've seen, things they've claimed they are or claimed they've done, etc. I begin to mantasize about who they may be based on the small amount of data I have collected (I don’t go overboard and expect the super ripped abs, but I do hope that they will not have a beer belly and receding hairline). Then if, and when I meet them it's a let down because they don't meet the mantasy expectations (receding hairline and beer belly).

We decided that because of this there are some mantasies that just need to be kept at that. Men who you may meet or see on a regular basis that you should just keep the relationship or associations with that particular person to a minimum. That way there is no lack of fulfillment of the mantasy and if you’re involved in a serious, committed relationship it’s okay, you’ve done nothing wrong. We all should be able to at least think that it exists somewhere. How else are we supposed to remain hopeful?

Dr. Dave

Here's another online dating experience. Dr. Dave and I started chatting after he had "favorited" me. I hadn't really connected with any of those who had done that before because...well let's just say that the feeling wasn't mutual. This one looked sufficient.

At the time I had changed my profile slightly because I was coming off an interesting experience (as I always do) with a previous date. Don't worry I'll divulge that information another time. My profile was basically a numbered list of things I was looking for (this is from memory so it's not exact and my actual posting was more diplomatic):

1. Must be funny. Not just think you are funny, but actually funny.

2. Must be capable of deep thoughts.

3. Must be loyal.

4. Must be capable of follow through. Don't just talk about doing something, actually do it.

5. Must be respectful.

6. No games. If you want to call the day after a date then do it. That three-day rule thing is so lame.

7. Must be fun.

8. Must be well rounded. I'm not interested in being your extreme sports partner and I'm not going to fake it just to land you. However, I won't expect you to participate in my girly activities either. Some things were not meant for us to do together.

Dr. Dave submitted his application and completed the initial review process. We continued to chat through email and then exchanged phone numbers. He called pretty quickly and we had some great conversation. He was an emergency room doctor and had gone to Stanford- impressive. We made a date to meet at a local restaurant in the bar area and it seemed like things were good.

I was nervous (as I always am) about getting myself looking good for the date. It was a day where I had been out doing my trashy job (consulting for the trash and recycling hauler) out in Livermore and it had topped out at 104 while I was running around outside. I floored it back to town and jumped in the shower to rinse off. I was in no way feeling sexy at all. I couldn't figure out what to wear since it was so hot and for some reason nothing looked right (probably because I was swollen and bloated from the heat). I threw on an outfit: I thought I looked good.

When I arrived at the bar I looked around and noticed him immediately. Not because he looked like his picture but because you just know. Kind of like you just know when they're lying to you...yeah that's the same feeling. I joke now that I should have walked towards the exit door since there were two entrances, but I didn't. I veered over to the bar where he was sitting. Yes, he was sitting at the bar. Now this poses a problem when trying to converse with somebody because you are not facing them and instead you are facing the flat screens on the wall and the bartender. This also poses a problem for me because I don't like strangers in my personal space and you clearly need an invitation to be gain access to that party. However, it was perfect for him to use his high school methodology of physical advancement by brushing up against me when he so desired.

He already had a drink in front of him and so I ordered a mojito- yummy. The thing is huge and I don't drink that much so I think "this better go well." We begin chatting and I knew that I wasn’t the best conversationalist because I just spent the better part of my day melting away and trying to explain recycling in Spanish to an entire apartment complex, which by the way is not why I got my Master's degree. So needless to say I wasn't happy about getting underpaid to do something that I had done prior to my extreme education. Clearly I was overqualified for my job. I'm sure I vented a little.

I knew when I first saw Dave that I wasn't attracted to him (that's not really the phrase to start off a successful long term relationship) that's why I should have headed for the door. So when he was trying to brush up against me in the overheated room I was really turned off by his attempts. We made lame conversation about the baseball game, chatted with the bartender, and talked about my opinions on plastic surgery. He had his iPhone on the bar and so I was able to see his wallpaper at one point. Interestingly he had an x-ray of a skull that had a car key ring jammed into the nose area as the wallpaper. Personally I found it repulsive and part of me wondered if that was even legal, since clearly it was somebody's real x-ray. He was proud of it and told me that it was a child and commented that was a visual representation of why you shouldn't hold your keys in front of your face while in the car. Okay, I don't have any children yet, but in no way do I find that cool at all. In my mind that poor child was playing with somebody's keys as entertainment prior to an accident and then the keys got jammed into his/her skull and this guy thinks it's cool to have it on his phone- really? Not to mention...how sexy?

He ordered himself another margarita (question his sexuality at this point) and asked to see the menu. He selected something off the menu without asking me my preference and then told the bartender that we would like the hhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuummmmmmmuuuuuuussssss. Yes, like that. With that scratchy kkhkhkhkhkhkkhkhkhkhkkhkhk in the word. Now I met some people from Israel who say it that way, but this guy was from New Mexico. Can't we say it like most people in the US would? Humus. By the way, that's not what I would have ordered because everybody knows that the goat cheese quesadilla is the best app on the menu. Clearly this man was not for me.

After wolfing down humus and chips and getting a glass of water to try to not let the mojito impact me too much, Dr. Dave suddenly informs me that he's ready to go. No transition. No asking me if I'm ready to head out (which by the way would be the second time he's made a decision without checking with me). Extremely abrupt. He asked me if I wanted him to walk me to my car...interesting since I hadn't at any point suggested that I was ready to leave. Honestly I didn't really feel like I was okay to drive so I felt I needed to wait a little while. I told him that I was going to stay at the bar for a while and he jumped up and took off from the restaurant. What? I'm so confused.

Well clearly his number was deleted from my phone as soon as I got home. There's no reason to unnecessarily take up my phone memory with his information.

Interestingly a few weeks later I was back at the same restaurant (which I do not frequent regularly) I receive a text from an unknown number. It said something along the line of "Hey that bar where we met is open to the public tonight for the game. I'll be there and you should come by." My friend and I were doing our best to try to figure out who it was. I was trying to remember what I had been doing and whom I had met lately and I could not align the comments with any of my memories. I even checked my planner to refresh my memory. I texted back that I thought the person had the wrong number. He responded that he knew it was me and identified me by name. What? I was so confused. Then he reiterated the situation of supposedly meeting me at a bar and mentioned his name was Dr. Dave. Ahhhhhhhh....... I told him that I did not meet him under those circumstances and that instead we met online and had a date during which he abruptly got up and decided it was over for the evening. He immediately texted back and apologized. To that I responded "for being so rude on our date or for confusing me with another girl." I haven't heard from him since. I wonder why?

CTD's

During the recent heat wave I was man shopping on that website again and while I was on there a young man popped up to IM me. What'ev I didn't have anybody else to talk to since as everybody knows, I am alone. I began chatting with him.

He began with flattery complimenting me on my looks, sure I have time for that. It turns out he was from the LA area. He actually claimed to live in Beverly Hills. Oh and he was the creative director for some, I'm sure, nonexistent company. I think he told me these things to try and impress me- I didn't care. Clearly, because it was so hot the conversation kept going back to the heat. I am obviously clueless because I didn't realize that it was giving him a reason to talk about how hot he was and how he was laying around in his boxers. I told him that I was fine because I had air conditioning, one of the perks of my new apartment. He said that his place was built in the 30's so it didn't have AC. Maybe if he lived in the Valley he could have an apartment with AC. Sucks for him. I also told him that we have a huge pool here...he asked if he could come over to go skinny dipping- what? Who are these guys?

In between flipping through the television stations he made some other comments attempting to gear the conversation in a sexual direction. Was this guy for real? He seriously thought that we would have some sort of sexIMing session. Well I just didn't have time for that I was busy catching up on my very important TV watching, probably along the Jersey Shore line (we can't miss JWOWW and Sammy throwing down now can we? priorities people). I asked him if he thought I was that type of girl and he said "nay." Just like a horse he rode off into the sunset. Interestingly he didn't want to talk to me anymore. Gone, poof.

I'm glad he was really looking for something serious. After that I felt dirty just from being connected to him through the internet. There aren't any computer transmitted diseases (CTD's) yet are there? Oh yeah, he was short too.