Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
My friend (we'll call her Taylor) and I had a great day today. Lately, since I've cancelled my online dating membership, I've been focusing more on hanging out with my girlfriends doing things that we enjoy. We decided to go for a road trip and we drove up North to go hiking in an area that we don't regularly visit. Then we hit up a nice restaurant nearby for some lunch and drinks. It was a great date. Much better than the ones I've been having with the inappropriate mans.
As you know spending time in the car, on the trail, and enjoying lunch and drinks allows for a lot of discussion, especially when women are involved. Taylor and I were discussing how the online dating thing doesn't work because there's no exchange of pheromones on the Internet or during phone calls that would allow you to know whether or not you're really attracted to the other individual. This seems to be validated by the amount of times that I have emailed and spoken to men and then been let down when I finally met them. As the discussion continued we realized that sometimes there's something beneficial about loosely knowing men, which led us to the term...mantasy.
A mantasy (we decided) is a man-fantasy that is created within you based on your very minimal association with the man who is the focus of the fantasy. This happens a lot in movies, break to montage man taking his shirt off to reveal extremely ripped abdominals, break back to reality girl doing something ridiculous making herself look silly. But we also believe that it happens frequently in true life as well. For instance I believe that it has happened a lot in my experiences with online dating. I'm admitting it. I have met guys online and then spoken to them on the phone had mantasies about who I may think they are or who I wish them to be. A lot of the mantasization is based on the little information I have about them: photos I've seen, things they've claimed they are or claimed they've done, etc. I begin to mantasize about who they may be based on the small amount of data I have collected (I don’t go overboard and expect the super ripped abs, but I do hope that they will not have a beer belly and receding hairline). Then if, and when I meet them it's a let down because they don't meet the mantasy expectations (receding hairline and beer belly).
We decided that because of this there are some mantasies that just need to be kept at that. Men who you may meet or see on a regular basis that you should just keep the relationship or associations with that particular person to a minimum. That way there is no lack of fulfillment of the mantasy and if you’re involved in a serious, committed relationship it’s okay, you’ve done nothing wrong. We all should be able to at least think that it exists somewhere. How else are we supposed to remain hopeful?
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Here's another online dating experience. Dr. Dave and I started chatting after he had "favorited" me. I hadn't really connected with any of those who had done that before because...well let's just say that the feeling wasn't mutual. This one looked sufficient.
At the time I had changed my profile slightly because I was coming off an interesting experience (as I always do) with a previous date. Don't worry I'll divulge that information another time. My profile was basically a numbered list of things I was looking for (this is from memory so it's not exact and my actual posting was more diplomatic):
1. Must be funny. Not just think you are funny, but actually funny.
2. Must be capable of deep thoughts.
3. Must be loyal.
4. Must be capable of follow through. Don't just talk about doing something, actually do it.
5. Must be respectful.
6. No games. If you want to call the day after a date then do it. That three-day rule thing is so lame.
7. Must be fun.
8. Must be well rounded. I'm not interested in being your extreme sports partner and I'm not going to fake it just to land you. However, I won't expect you to participate in my girly activities either. Some things were not meant for us to do together.
Dr. Dave submitted his application and completed the initial review process. We continued to chat through email and then exchanged phone numbers. He called pretty quickly and we had some great conversation. He was an emergency room doctor and had gone to Stanford- impressive. We made a date to meet at a local restaurant in the bar area and it seemed like things were good.
I was nervous (as I always am) about getting myself looking good for the date. It was a day where I had been out doing my trashy job (consulting for the trash and recycling hauler) out in Livermore and it had topped out at 104 while I was running around outside. I floored it back to town and jumped in the shower to rinse off. I was in no way feeling sexy at all. I couldn't figure out what to wear since it was so hot and for some reason nothing looked right (probably because I was swollen and bloated from the heat). I threw on an outfit: I thought I looked good.
When I arrived at the bar I looked around and noticed him immediately. Not because he looked like his picture but because you just know. Kind of like you just know when they're lying to you...yeah that's the same feeling. I joke now that I should have walked towards the exit door since there were two entrances, but I didn't. I veered over to the bar where he was sitting. Yes, he was sitting at the bar. Now this poses a problem when trying to converse with somebody because you are not facing them and instead you are facing the flat screens on the wall and the bartender. This also poses a problem for me because I don't like strangers in my personal space and you clearly need an invitation to be gain access to that party. However, it was perfect for him to use his high school methodology of physical advancement by brushing up against me when he so desired.
He already had a drink in front of him and so I ordered a mojito- yummy. The thing is huge and I don't drink that much so I think "this better go well." We begin chatting and I knew that I wasn’t the best conversationalist because I just spent the better part of my day melting away and trying to explain recycling in Spanish to an entire apartment complex, which by the way is not why I got my Master's degree. So needless to say I wasn't happy about getting underpaid to do something that I had done prior to my extreme education. Clearly I was overqualified for my job. I'm sure I vented a little.
I knew when I first saw Dave that I wasn't attracted to him (that's not really the phrase to start off a successful long term relationship) that's why I should have headed for the door. So when he was trying to brush up against me in the overheated room I was really turned off by his attempts. We made lame conversation about the baseball game, chatted with the bartender, and talked about my opinions on plastic surgery. He had his iPhone on the bar and so I was able to see his wallpaper at one point. Interestingly he had an x-ray of a skull that had a car key ring jammed into the nose area as the wallpaper. Personally I found it repulsive and part of me wondered if that was even legal, since clearly it was somebody's real x-ray. He was proud of it and told me that it was a child and commented that was a visual representation of why you shouldn't hold your keys in front of your face while in the car. Okay, I don't have any children yet, but in no way do I find that cool at all. In my mind that poor child was playing with somebody's keys as entertainment prior to an accident and then the keys got jammed into his/her skull and this guy thinks it's cool to have it on his phone- really? Not to mention...how sexy?
He ordered himself another margarita (question his sexuality at this point) and asked to see the menu. He selected something off the menu without asking me my preference and then told the bartender that we would like the hhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuummmmmmmuuuuuuussssss. Yes, like that. With that scratchy kkhkhkhkhkhkkhkhkhkhkkhkhk in the word. Now I met some people from Israel who say it that way, but this guy was from New Mexico. Can't we say it like most people in the US would? Humus. By the way, that's not what I would have ordered because everybody knows that the goat cheese quesadilla is the best app on the menu. Clearly this man was not for me.
After wolfing down humus and chips and getting a glass of water to try to not let the mojito impact me too much, Dr. Dave suddenly informs me that he's ready to go. No transition. No asking me if I'm ready to head out (which by the way would be the second time he's made a decision without checking with me). Extremely abrupt. He asked me if I wanted him to walk me to my car...interesting since I hadn't at any point suggested that I was ready to leave. Honestly I didn't really feel like I was okay to drive so I felt I needed to wait a little while. I told him that I was going to stay at the bar for a while and he jumped up and took off from the restaurant. What? I'm so confused.
Well clearly his number was deleted from my phone as soon as I got home. There's no reason to unnecessarily take up my phone memory with his information.
Interestingly a few weeks later I was back at the same restaurant (which I do not frequent regularly) I receive a text from an unknown number. It said something along the line of "Hey that bar where we met is open to the public tonight for the game. I'll be there and you should come by." My friend and I were doing our best to try to figure out who it was. I was trying to remember what I had been doing and whom I had met lately and I could not align the comments with any of my memories. I even checked my planner to refresh my memory. I texted back that I thought the person had the wrong number. He responded that he knew it was me and identified me by name. What? I was so confused. Then he reiterated the situation of supposedly meeting me at a bar and mentioned his name was Dr. Dave. Ahhhhhhhh....... I told him that I did not meet him under those circumstances and that instead we met online and had a date during which he abruptly got up and decided it was over for the evening. He immediately texted back and apologized. To that I responded "for being so rude on our date or for confusing me with another girl." I haven't heard from him since. I wonder why?